Phew - it was a GREAT day....until now....Alas, I will persevere :)
Before I tell you about the great day, I'll tell you how it ended: Abby pissed at me because I cut off her Facebook time.
I know what "cruel and unusual" punishment that is for a teenager. Heck, I'd hate to be cut off from Facebook (like the rest of the world), and even my friends have warned me against using this method ("that's sooooo unfair" they claimed on my Facebook page), but I think it's a tool that will work.
Having studied psychology, I know about the powers of positive reinforcement (rewards for good behavior) and negative reinforcement (which is not punishment, but removal of a privilege, for bad behavior). Granted, positive reinforcement is the best route, but sometimes negative reinforcement has its merits. It's not as bad as its cousin, punishment, which I'm sure I will have to use one of these times...
I used it sometime last week, and she hated me for it that night (when I "cut her off") and the next day, when the privilege was removed (i.e., no Facebook time). But, when the privilege was returned, she seemed to appreciate it more than ever!
Tonight, as I lifted the laptop from her grasp, she grunted "it's a control issue!" I'm convinced she was trying to push my buttons, because she and I have a lack of respect for her last foster parent who really had control issues (now, Mom, I know you're reading this - PLEASE don't comment with excuses for that woman!).
That last foster parent was my aunt, who I've had my own issues with, but, who more importantly, threw Abby out when she needed a place the most (and that's how I finally became her foster parent). She knows if she compares me with Aunt Bonnie I will cringe, and so I'm learning to expect it in times of anger and rebellion. And, instead of succumbing to it and arguing fiercely, "I am not like Aunt Bonnie!" I am trying to let it "slide." In other words, I am trying not to react (don't want to add fuel to the fire or fight a worthless argument - I am no Aunt Bonnie afterall!).
Shall I rewind some more?? Okay then...
Before we got home tonight she asked, "Can I have some Facebook time tonight?" I said, "Yes...." and she squealed in delight, "You said yes! You usually say 'I think so.'" And that's true - I always proceed with caution, knowing I might need to pull that privilege out of my pocket in tough times. But she has been really great for the past few days, even appreciative, and so, I thought she deserves it.
Since I'd already let her on Facebook this afternoon, I told her she could only be on for fifteen minutes tonight (her usual time limit is 30 minutes), because it was already late (almost midnight) and I was tired (and I want her to go to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour too!). She seemed agreeable, and appreciative, so on Facebook she went!
And then, the issue arose. She now officially has a boyfriend (and I will update you on that!), and she just changed her profile picture to reflect that (an adorable picture of her and her new 'man' Billy). She told me about it, so I made sure to tell her I thought it was cute (gotta' be on her good side sometimes!)...
Well, one of her friends did not "approve." In fact, I think her friend wrote those very words on her wall. Abby replied with a quick retort, the friend responded...and before I knew it, Abby was in an instant message battle (my words). I told her to stop messages her friend, and that she should talk to her friend (on the phone or in person) to work it out. She was frantically typing and fighting with her friend. Something about "you're childish....grow up!" And it got meaner. Abby was sharing this all with me - I relish any time she shares her life with me, but I still have to be the 'parent' - and so, I told her she needed to stop.
I was trying to tell Abby that she shouldn't say things she might regret. She said, "well, that's how we work things out." Now, I may be a bit paranoid (and yes, I too have my control issues), so I wanted her to cease and desist. I know how online conversations can quickly get out of control, because tones can be misconstrued and misappropriated (I've made those mistakes myself!), so I was trying to make it a "teachable moment" (God Forbid!). Well, in her relentless ranting, she kept typing, and I told her if she didn't stop messaging her friend I would make her sign off. I tried to offer her an "out" with her friend, and suggested she tell her friend that Aunt Annie was making her sign off.
Abby said, "I don't wanna' bring you into this" and insisted they were "working it out" their way. I said, "I don't want you ending a friendship on Facebook" (she has been friends with this girl for almost a decade). And then the anger came my way.
She let out a few "whatevers" and "you don't understand" and after she let loose with that "control" comment, I closed the laptop lid and told her, "Okay, your time is up." Now I must (sheepishly) admit, I first said, "What did you say?" "Control issue?" Shame on me. But in my defense, I did not say it in an angry tone, and I did not grab it away from her. I kept my composure, and did not unleash any "fighting words" on her. I'm learning that most of the time, you really shouldn't argue with a teenager. Because even when you're right, you may win the battle and lose the war!
You see, I'm trying to learn from my parents' mistakes. Often in our household, when I was a teenager, something small like this would start and my dad and I would go at it. Often he'd yell at me in an angry tone (which always made things worse), and sometimes he'd even hit me. That is not the way I want to (or should) react, so I was proud that I didn't make this "fight" personal. I tried to keep focused on her behavior and not my own issues, and I think I did okay...only time will tell.
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