Well, I apologize, it has been a LONG time since I've signed on to write anything. It has been a VERY busy 5 months...
Right now, she's sleeping and the last few days have been pretty good. Her parents came over today for a visit and that went well. We went to the mall so she could get her nails done...Then we came home and made our now traditional Sunday Dinner together...Usually, she helps (she's a better cook than me!), but tonight I made steak, baked potatoes, and spinach...not too bad!
How can I sum up the past 5 months? TOUGH!
...
Let's see, there was the first "fight" only a week into having her, and there have been more since then. They got so bad, I actually called the cops, because I couldn't have her doing this to me. Most of them started the same. She'd be misbehaving, and I'd say something like, "Go to your room." She'd respond, "You can't make me" or something like that.
The last, which was ironically during Hurricane Sandy (if you're from Jersey, or anywhere on the East coast you know how bad that was), was BAD! Her brother (nephew, my lil' buddy) was here and we were having a decent night, hunkering down before the storm. Well, she got in a funky mood, and he began teasing, her and she became belligerent. I said something like "See, this is what I deal with" (the teenage mood swings). Okay, now I realize it wasn't very 'adult' of me to do, but this girl had been driving me crazy. So then, she started cursing, and I said, "You can't talk like that." To which she responded with more cursing. Then I said, "Go to your room..." She wouldn't, and I said, if you don't go to your room, I'll take you to your room. I proceeded to grab her arm, and she let me have it!
She lunged at me, grabbed my eye and tried to slam my head in the wall, screaming, "I'm gonna' kill you!" It was BAD! I did what I could to get her off me, but she would not let go of my hair (yeah, there was hair pulling), so I asked her brother to call the cops. This was the second call to the police, and though I didn't want to make the call, I didn't know what else to do. Luckily, just as they had the first time, they saw right through her "but she put her HANDS on me!" As a child in the system, she's been told over and over "no one should ever touch you" and she's taken it to an extreme.
The cops asked her what happened and then told it to her straight. There's a difference between your aunt disciplining you and hitting you, they said. If you do this again, we will have to take you away, they said. It was the wake up call she needed. Because for about a month, she'd been attacking me anytime I tried to assert my authority. And somehow, she made me feel bad about it. We'd both end up with bruises and she was sure to tell me her counselor had noticed. I had to break the silence, because she was manipulating the situation. And now, things have gotten better.
By the grace of God, her mentor, her counselor, and yes, even her brother...she's stopped fighting.
Before I got her she was in a shelter, and anytime she gets angry with me she says she'll be just fine in the shelter. It hurts, but I try to let it go...
...
Okay, so in addition to the fights there were the pregnancy scares...yes, pregnancy scares, and now the ultimate debate - keeping her on birth control!
...
So about three months in, I knew something was up. She was being moody and giving me cryptic comments. She's tough...She won't tell you what's going wrong until you ask 387 questions (okay, maybe a slight exaggeration)...So one night, when I finally asked "have you been having sex?" the answer was yes. And shortly thereafter, she revealed she was scared she was pregnant.
Well, I lost it! Here I was BREAKING myself to help her. Not only had I dropped two classes and moved to a new home, I continued the overall struggle with NO SUPPORT from the child welfare system...It was killing me. And then she wanted to be difficult?
I felt so betrayed that she had had sex. In my house. While I was at school. I couldn't believe she snuck over her boyfriend and essentially lured him into her bed. Yes, he's 16 and she's 14, but he never even kissed a girl until he started going out with her! I was more mad at her than him!
A part of me was wondering whether it even really happened (in my opinion, she's borderline Munchausen, but I'm not a professional). I knew whatever had happened this was a CRY for ATTENTION. I actually called the boyfriend and asked if it was true, if they'd had sex. He confirmed it. And, perhaps the smartest thing he did was dump her. It's sad, because they were cute together, and I thought he was good for her, but she was back to her old ways. She was manipulating this boy telling him she was pregnant, when I knew full well (or at least I thought I knew) she was not pregnant!
To make matters worse, when I took her phone, and actually looked in it...I was horrified! I found a naked, yes NAKED, picture she'd sent. Not only to her now ex-boyfriend (who could easily send it to EVERYONE) but the thirty-year-old scummy neighbor downstairs. That's when I really lost it. What the hell was I going to do with this girl!?!?!
Well, I've kept trying...and we're still here!
...
Four pregnancy tests later, it finally started to sink in, but worse, she seemed disappointed. And now, she wants to get off birth control (I'd promised to get her on depo provera, but she just couldn't wait, and had sex before we started her on it!). Her wonderful sister told her it was unhealthy and she should get off it (and had the nerve to get mad at me when I asked her to not to talk with her 14-year-ol-sister-in-my-custody about it). So that's our latest battle. I finally told her, "I can't have you living with me with the chance of you getting pregnant." Which to her meant I was kicking her out. I yi yi, thank GOD we have a counselor!
Well, this Wednesday I'm going to go get my depo shot, and I HOPE (I PRAY to GOD) she'll join me. If not, we've agreed (with her counselor) to come up with a plan for her if she does get pregnant, because I just can't do it...She's tested my love one too many times...And there are some things love can't do (can't make me a successful foster grandma!)...
God help me! But for now, we're doing alright...
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Day 33, Part I - Tuesday, 08.14.2012 - Another great day...until the end!
Phew - it was a GREAT day....until now....Alas, I will persevere :)
Before I tell you about the great day, I'll tell you how it ended: Abby pissed at me because I cut off her Facebook time.
I know what "cruel and unusual" punishment that is for a teenager. Heck, I'd hate to be cut off from Facebook (like the rest of the world), and even my friends have warned me against using this method ("that's sooooo unfair" they claimed on my Facebook page), but I think it's a tool that will work.
Having studied psychology, I know about the powers of positive reinforcement (rewards for good behavior) and negative reinforcement (which is not punishment, but removal of a privilege, for bad behavior). Granted, positive reinforcement is the best route, but sometimes negative reinforcement has its merits. It's not as bad as its cousin, punishment, which I'm sure I will have to use one of these times...
I used it sometime last week, and she hated me for it that night (when I "cut her off") and the next day, when the privilege was removed (i.e., no Facebook time). But, when the privilege was returned, she seemed to appreciate it more than ever!
Tonight, as I lifted the laptop from her grasp, she grunted "it's a control issue!" I'm convinced she was trying to push my buttons, because she and I have a lack of respect for her last foster parent who really had control issues (now, Mom, I know you're reading this - PLEASE don't comment with excuses for that woman!).
That last foster parent was my aunt, who I've had my own issues with, but, who more importantly, threw Abby out when she needed a place the most (and that's how I finally became her foster parent). She knows if she compares me with Aunt Bonnie I will cringe, and so I'm learning to expect it in times of anger and rebellion. And, instead of succumbing to it and arguing fiercely, "I am not like Aunt Bonnie!" I am trying to let it "slide." In other words, I am trying not to react (don't want to add fuel to the fire or fight a worthless argument - I am no Aunt Bonnie afterall!).
Shall I rewind some more?? Okay then...
Before we got home tonight she asked, "Can I have some Facebook time tonight?" I said, "Yes...." and she squealed in delight, "You said yes! You usually say 'I think so.'" And that's true - I always proceed with caution, knowing I might need to pull that privilege out of my pocket in tough times. But she has been really great for the past few days, even appreciative, and so, I thought she deserves it.
Since I'd already let her on Facebook this afternoon, I told her she could only be on for fifteen minutes tonight (her usual time limit is 30 minutes), because it was already late (almost midnight) and I was tired (and I want her to go to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour too!). She seemed agreeable, and appreciative, so on Facebook she went!
And then, the issue arose. She now officially has a boyfriend (and I will update you on that!), and she just changed her profile picture to reflect that (an adorable picture of her and her new 'man' Billy). She told me about it, so I made sure to tell her I thought it was cute (gotta' be on her good side sometimes!)...
Well, one of her friends did not "approve." In fact, I think her friend wrote those very words on her wall. Abby replied with a quick retort, the friend responded...and before I knew it, Abby was in an instant message battle (my words). I told her to stop messages her friend, and that she should talk to her friend (on the phone or in person) to work it out. She was frantically typing and fighting with her friend. Something about "you're childish....grow up!" And it got meaner. Abby was sharing this all with me - I relish any time she shares her life with me, but I still have to be the 'parent' - and so, I told her she needed to stop.
I was trying to tell Abby that she shouldn't say things she might regret. She said, "well, that's how we work things out." Now, I may be a bit paranoid (and yes, I too have my control issues), so I wanted her to cease and desist. I know how online conversations can quickly get out of control, because tones can be misconstrued and misappropriated (I've made those mistakes myself!), so I was trying to make it a "teachable moment" (God Forbid!). Well, in her relentless ranting, she kept typing, and I told her if she didn't stop messaging her friend I would make her sign off. I tried to offer her an "out" with her friend, and suggested she tell her friend that Aunt Annie was making her sign off.
Abby said, "I don't wanna' bring you into this" and insisted they were "working it out" their way. I said, "I don't want you ending a friendship on Facebook" (she has been friends with this girl for almost a decade). And then the anger came my way.
She let out a few "whatevers" and "you don't understand" and after she let loose with that "control" comment, I closed the laptop lid and told her, "Okay, your time is up." Now I must (sheepishly) admit, I first said, "What did you say?" "Control issue?" Shame on me. But in my defense, I did not say it in an angry tone, and I did not grab it away from her. I kept my composure, and did not unleash any "fighting words" on her. I'm learning that most of the time, you really shouldn't argue with a teenager. Because even when you're right, you may win the battle and lose the war!
You see, I'm trying to learn from my parents' mistakes. Often in our household, when I was a teenager, something small like this would start and my dad and I would go at it. Often he'd yell at me in an angry tone (which always made things worse), and sometimes he'd even hit me. That is not the way I want to (or should) react, so I was proud that I didn't make this "fight" personal. I tried to keep focused on her behavior and not my own issues, and I think I did okay...only time will tell.
Before I tell you about the great day, I'll tell you how it ended: Abby pissed at me because I cut off her Facebook time.
I know what "cruel and unusual" punishment that is for a teenager. Heck, I'd hate to be cut off from Facebook (like the rest of the world), and even my friends have warned me against using this method ("that's sooooo unfair" they claimed on my Facebook page), but I think it's a tool that will work.
Having studied psychology, I know about the powers of positive reinforcement (rewards for good behavior) and negative reinforcement (which is not punishment, but removal of a privilege, for bad behavior). Granted, positive reinforcement is the best route, but sometimes negative reinforcement has its merits. It's not as bad as its cousin, punishment, which I'm sure I will have to use one of these times...
I used it sometime last week, and she hated me for it that night (when I "cut her off") and the next day, when the privilege was removed (i.e., no Facebook time). But, when the privilege was returned, she seemed to appreciate it more than ever!
Tonight, as I lifted the laptop from her grasp, she grunted "it's a control issue!" I'm convinced she was trying to push my buttons, because she and I have a lack of respect for her last foster parent who really had control issues (now, Mom, I know you're reading this - PLEASE don't comment with excuses for that woman!).
That last foster parent was my aunt, who I've had my own issues with, but, who more importantly, threw Abby out when she needed a place the most (and that's how I finally became her foster parent). She knows if she compares me with Aunt Bonnie I will cringe, and so I'm learning to expect it in times of anger and rebellion. And, instead of succumbing to it and arguing fiercely, "I am not like Aunt Bonnie!" I am trying to let it "slide." In other words, I am trying not to react (don't want to add fuel to the fire or fight a worthless argument - I am no Aunt Bonnie afterall!).
Shall I rewind some more?? Okay then...
Before we got home tonight she asked, "Can I have some Facebook time tonight?" I said, "Yes...." and she squealed in delight, "You said yes! You usually say 'I think so.'" And that's true - I always proceed with caution, knowing I might need to pull that privilege out of my pocket in tough times. But she has been really great for the past few days, even appreciative, and so, I thought she deserves it.
Since I'd already let her on Facebook this afternoon, I told her she could only be on for fifteen minutes tonight (her usual time limit is 30 minutes), because it was already late (almost midnight) and I was tired (and I want her to go to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour too!). She seemed agreeable, and appreciative, so on Facebook she went!
And then, the issue arose. She now officially has a boyfriend (and I will update you on that!), and she just changed her profile picture to reflect that (an adorable picture of her and her new 'man' Billy). She told me about it, so I made sure to tell her I thought it was cute (gotta' be on her good side sometimes!)...
Well, one of her friends did not "approve." In fact, I think her friend wrote those very words on her wall. Abby replied with a quick retort, the friend responded...and before I knew it, Abby was in an instant message battle (my words). I told her to stop messages her friend, and that she should talk to her friend (on the phone or in person) to work it out. She was frantically typing and fighting with her friend. Something about "you're childish....grow up!" And it got meaner. Abby was sharing this all with me - I relish any time she shares her life with me, but I still have to be the 'parent' - and so, I told her she needed to stop.
I was trying to tell Abby that she shouldn't say things she might regret. She said, "well, that's how we work things out." Now, I may be a bit paranoid (and yes, I too have my control issues), so I wanted her to cease and desist. I know how online conversations can quickly get out of control, because tones can be misconstrued and misappropriated (I've made those mistakes myself!), so I was trying to make it a "teachable moment" (God Forbid!). Well, in her relentless ranting, she kept typing, and I told her if she didn't stop messaging her friend I would make her sign off. I tried to offer her an "out" with her friend, and suggested she tell her friend that Aunt Annie was making her sign off.
Abby said, "I don't wanna' bring you into this" and insisted they were "working it out" their way. I said, "I don't want you ending a friendship on Facebook" (she has been friends with this girl for almost a decade). And then the anger came my way.
She let out a few "whatevers" and "you don't understand" and after she let loose with that "control" comment, I closed the laptop lid and told her, "Okay, your time is up." Now I must (sheepishly) admit, I first said, "What did you say?" "Control issue?" Shame on me. But in my defense, I did not say it in an angry tone, and I did not grab it away from her. I kept my composure, and did not unleash any "fighting words" on her. I'm learning that most of the time, you really shouldn't argue with a teenager. Because even when you're right, you may win the battle and lose the war!
You see, I'm trying to learn from my parents' mistakes. Often in our household, when I was a teenager, something small like this would start and my dad and I would go at it. Often he'd yell at me in an angry tone (which always made things worse), and sometimes he'd even hit me. That is not the way I want to (or should) react, so I was proud that I didn't make this "fight" personal. I tried to keep focused on her behavior and not my own issues, and I think I did okay...only time will tell.
Day 25 - Monday, 08.06.2012 - rush to get birth control!
Okay, before anyone freaks out...the birth control was for me!
Granted, having a foster child can be the perfect birth control (kidding!), but I got the "depo" shot every three months. Now I don't really take it for birth control - I take it to avoid what I see as something totally and painfully unnecessary: the period!
Abby knows I am not especially "active" (sexually). I am open with her about being on the shot, and why, but more importantly, I want her to know it's okay with me if she wants to go on birth control.
When I first found out Abby was having sex (mind you, she started having sex at 11!), I was mortified. Okay, I know "all" the kids are doing it these days, but not my little Abby! Actually the problem is how it all came about and the problems her "activity" was causing. Her mother (my sister-in-law) had constantly been telling me, "Annie, I think she's pregnant!" or "she got gonnorhea." I ever so bluntly told her, "what you need to do is get her on birth control!" She agreed, but couldn't do it, because Abby wouldn't cooperate. She refused to have an exam. I told my sister-in-law, Candy, in no uncertain terms, "You don't give her a chance to refuse! You are the parent. She is a child." But alas, Candy wasn't strong enough to insist on Abby's reproductive health. I vowed that if I ever got her, "the first thing I'll do is get her on depo!"
Soon after Abby came to live with me, I asked, "so have you ever considered getting on birth control?" She was very forthright and told me she actually wants to be on birth control (Hallelujah!). I told her this would not be a license for "free sex," and she understood. But, I'm not an idiot. I know that, God Forbid, if she ever gets out of my sight, she might go off and have sex (or worse, in my opinion, she may begin another sexual relationship), and as I told her "I do not want to be a foster grandma!"
She knows she has made some mistakes (having sex at such a young ages, actually contracting STDs, among other things), but she seems to have her head on her shoulders.
Luckily, both her parents seem to agree that birth control is a good idea. Of course, her father (my brother) is worried about her having sex. I explained my rationale to him, and he seemed to agree...
So, while the birth control was all about me today, I want to get her on it asap and make sure she is healthy in that area....
TO BE CONTINUED....
Granted, having a foster child can be the perfect birth control (kidding!), but I got the "depo" shot every three months. Now I don't really take it for birth control - I take it to avoid what I see as something totally and painfully unnecessary: the period!
Abby knows I am not especially "active" (sexually). I am open with her about being on the shot, and why, but more importantly, I want her to know it's okay with me if she wants to go on birth control.
When I first found out Abby was having sex (mind you, she started having sex at 11!), I was mortified. Okay, I know "all" the kids are doing it these days, but not my little Abby! Actually the problem is how it all came about and the problems her "activity" was causing. Her mother (my sister-in-law) had constantly been telling me, "Annie, I think she's pregnant!" or "she got gonnorhea." I ever so bluntly told her, "what you need to do is get her on birth control!" She agreed, but couldn't do it, because Abby wouldn't cooperate. She refused to have an exam. I told my sister-in-law, Candy, in no uncertain terms, "You don't give her a chance to refuse! You are the parent. She is a child." But alas, Candy wasn't strong enough to insist on Abby's reproductive health. I vowed that if I ever got her, "the first thing I'll do is get her on depo!"
Soon after Abby came to live with me, I asked, "so have you ever considered getting on birth control?" She was very forthright and told me she actually wants to be on birth control (Hallelujah!). I told her this would not be a license for "free sex," and she understood. But, I'm not an idiot. I know that, God Forbid, if she ever gets out of my sight, she might go off and have sex (or worse, in my opinion, she may begin another sexual relationship), and as I told her "I do not want to be a foster grandma!"
She knows she has made some mistakes (having sex at such a young ages, actually contracting STDs, among other things), but she seems to have her head on her shoulders.
Luckily, both her parents seem to agree that birth control is a good idea. Of course, her father (my brother) is worried about her having sex. I explained my rationale to him, and he seemed to agree...
So, while the birth control was all about me today, I want to get her on it asap and make sure she is healthy in that area....
TO BE CONTINUED....
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